Tears and Feelings
by CrazyJMB
Summary: After a fateful event, Derek cringed away from all types of feelings or tears. He travels through a journey in which he overcomes this emotional defense that he developed to avoid any more pain. Dasey at the end! One shot! Please Read and Review!


Hey everyone, I thought of this idea a while ago, but never wrote it until now. Derek is probably in his early 30's at this point so he sounds more mature than he does on the show. That's the reason for any OC.

Disclaimer: I don't own Life with Derek

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Tears. Something that I haven't shed or been able to take for so long. Feelings, something I've been avoiding for so long. All of this is because of one fateful event that has molded me into the person I would be the rest of my life. Or at least that's what I thought.

I was about 11 when it happened. It knew it was really an ongoing thing that was merely finalized when I was 11. My little siblings didn't though. They were blindsided by it. Neither really understood what was actually happened, but they felt the same hurt as if they did. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the divorce between my mom and dad.

I remember the day my parents finally decided to break the news to me. Heck, it's a day I'll never forget. They obviously didn't tell all of us at once because they couldn't explain the situation to me the same way they explain it to Marti. I met with them in the living room and first told me that no matter what, mom and dad would always love me. They then said that mom and dad were separating and that mom would be moving out. However, the significance of this didn't hit me until after mom had already said her goodbyes and left. I then realized, my mom was gone and I didn't know when she'd be back, if ever. I really wasn't mad at her or my dad; it was just the whole situation.

I remember that week following her moving out. It was the longest week of my life. I only left my room for school and food. It was the last week that tears ever left my eyes. It was the last time that I felt real grief.

I realized after those long seven days that while I locked myself in my room, balling my eyes out, I had left Marti alone. Anyone who knows me, knows that Marti is the single most important person in my life. I'd do anything for her. At that moment I made a decision. I'd suck up any tears that were trying to escape and I'd be the strong one for Marti. My dad did his best to be strong for us, but he was too much of a mess and Edwin followed me in locking himself in his room. However, Edwin was probably the best at getting over things at the time, so I wasn't as worried about him.

I spent the next several days with Marti. She kept asking questions about why mom left and was it her fault and what could she have done to prevent it. I tried to reassure her that it wasn't her fault and it was completely out of her control. She wasn't as receptive to my answers as I had hoped, but my mere presence helped sooth her. I believe that it's this time that we really became close and I became her favorite person. Prior to the divorce she arguably liked Edwin better. I still can't understand why.

I remember the looks on my little sister's face that week. All of them broke my heart. That little girl did not deserve the pain that was caused by this. I absolutely hated the feeling that her pain gave me. I absolutely hated the feeling that the situation gave me. As my little sister came around, I started to emotionally shut down. I started feeling less and less emotion, until I reached the level of feeling you see today.

I didn't plan on being this way right after the divorce, but there was something about it I liked. I realized that I couldn't get hurt at all if I successfully disallowed myself to feel bad. And I succeeded. In fact, I became a master of not feeling any kind of hurt or pain or anything. That's the reason I never cry anymore. That's the reason why I can't take tears; if I'm around someone crying, I risk getting my emotions back which means I could potentially feel hurt again. That just can't happen. Outside of hockey, commitment was something I also avoided. I remember seeing my dad after the divorce and I promised myself I'd never let myself get into a situation remotely similar with a girl. I'd get out before there was any type of emotional attachment. Of course, my love for my little sister hasn't changed, but other than that, I try to stay as emotionally unattached as possible. Marti is the lone exception to all rules.

My life, my policies, and my everything, however, went into turmoil with the arrival of the McDonalds. One reason I was so opposed to them moving in was because I knew that the addition of three new women meant more tears and feelings. They threatened to break my emotional defense that I worked so hard to build. Casey McDonald was unquestionably the worst of the three. She represented everything that I worked avoid. She was emotional, liked to discuss feelings, and wasn't afraid to cry sometimes. Worst of all, however, is that I started to feel an attachment towards her. As much as I tried to keep our relationship based on pranks, arguments, and public avoidance, I couldn't help but quietly (and occasionally not so quietly) look after her. To make things worse, I realized that she did the same.

Interestingly enough, although Casey definitely softened my defense system, it was Sally who made the first real dent. After some emotional games that we played back and forth, I finally broke my commitment rule (I had bended it for Kendra, but I wasn't nearly as emotionally attached and committed). Sally didn't appreciate the fact that my emotional expression wasn't up to her standards, but the fact that she stuck with me wasn't lost. Each day we were together, she slowly chipped away at my defense system.

The summer before my senior year definitely put my policies to the ultimate test. Sally announced to me that she was going out west to UVC. This meant that we'd be too many hours away to drive and that we'd probably have to break up. My defense system then kicked up again and I instantly broke up with her. I couldn't let myself feel hurt again. However, with the constant bothering of Edwin and Casey, I decided that I made the wrong decision and we got back together with the knowledge that it would have to end for good at the end of the summer. I knew it would probably result in some pain, but Sally was worth it.

I don't know what happened in those 3 months, but my commitment and attachment policies took a vacation because I came very close to dropping out of school to follow Sally in Vancouver. However, my family freaked so I decided against it; I knew I'd have to bite the bullet with my breakup with Sally. That day marked another first since the divorce: I didn't run away from tears. Sally even gave me ten seconds to run before the waterworks started. However, I couldn't bring myself to leave her like that. I didn't want our last memory together to be me running away.

After Sally was gone, I went back to most of my normal policies. I went back to caring only about Marti and hockey and secretly Casey. I went back to cringing around tears and I went back to running at the sound of feelings being expressed. This lasted for a few months. It lasted until the day prior to the winter dance.

You see Casey had been dating Truman for a couple months. As much as he seemed to genuinely care for Casey I always kept my eyes on him. However, that week he abruptly dumped her because claimed he needed a challenge. To make a long story short, Casey was absolutely crushed. It was way worse than her breakups with Sam and Max. I think it was because the breakups with those two were her own doing; the one with Truman was his call and his call alone. Casey decided not go to the dance because she would have to see Truman and probably some bimbo with him. I'm not sure how, but I ended up offering to watch a movie with her that night. To my surprise she accepted.

I also somehow ended up letting her pick the movie. Of course, it ended up being a chick flick. I looked over to her and saw that she still had tears from the breakup. At that moment my brain and defense system was urging me to get up and run. However, my body didn't get the message; instead I ended up getting off my chair and sitting next to her on the couch. To top things off, I put my arm around her and she put her head on my chest. Once again I don't know why, but I stayed with her in that position the whole movie. I was there through the scenes that made her laugh and the scenes that made her cry. Afterwards, we went to our respective rooms and said our goodnights, knowing that the cease-fire between us would be long gone by morning.

The cease-fire did end that next morning as we went back to normal. It continued that way for the next few months, but my defense system took another blow during our senior prom. You see Casey had a problem finding a date. She didn't want to take someone she really didn't know; the only problem was that all the guys she did know were ex's (Sam, Max, and Truman), taken (Ralph), or out of town (Noel). Emily then made the suggestion that I take Casey to prom. What seemed to be a crazy suggestion at first somehow became a reality. The next thing I knew, Dad and Nora were taking our pictures before we headed out. We went to prom in a limo (courtesy of Dennis McDonald). I looked over at Casey and she didn't have the look of a person who just settled for me. She looked genuinely excited. And you know what, for some reason I was too.

We had a great time that night. We danced, conversed with our friends, and we were even named Prom King and Queen. I remember looking at Truman who had nothing but regret written all over his face. I couldn't help but smirk at him. We rode home that night and it was surprisingly quiet. We got out and quietly made our way into the house so that we didn't wake up the family. I went into my room and changed into my sleepwear. I then heard a feint knock on the door. I opened it and Casey stood there smiling. She thanked me for a great night and gave me a soft kiss on the lips. I could feel a jolt of electricity going through my body and I could feel my defense system just paralyze. She then said goodnight and we went to bed.

My defense system was back up and running the next day as I tried to pretend that nothing happened last night. I could tell that Casey tried to do the same. For the next week, we would argue about the tiniest things in a desperate attempt to convince ourselves that we hated each other. However, this got old and we went back to our normal level of fighting before we knew it. The thought of that kiss definitely consumed much of my thoughts when she wasn't around.

Our graduation was extremely memorable. Everyone was surprised that I made it through high school and kept congratulating me. I wonder what they'd say if they found out I'm going to University next year. Sure I got in because of hockey, but I'm still going to college. This, however, was not what made the day memorable.

The ceremony kicked off with all of us coming into the auditorium with our caps and gowns on and sitting in our respective seats. The principal then gave an opening speech and handing out some awards. Then the valedictorian, which was Casey (no surprise there), gave her speech. To say it was long and boring would be like saying that Canada during the winter is a little chilly. Her speech just went on and on and on. Finally I decided to break my P.D.A. rule. I ran onto the stage, as Casey turned her head to see what I was doing I kissed her. And she kissed back. Of course I told my defense system that I was merely saving the student body and faculty valuable hours of their lives. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally broke apart and the whole audience stood up and cheered. I looked over to my family and saw my dad confused, Nora with an unsurprised look on her face, Marti cheering, and Edwin paying Lizzie some money. We left the stage hand in hand, and the rest of the ceremony was pretty much a blur. I do remember getting my diploma and my dad and step-mom going crazy.

After the ceremony, Casey and I went looking for our family within a massive sea of people. After about 10 minutes of looking and Casey freaking out, we found someone: my mom. I remember seeing her face and how she was genuinely proud of me for the first time in a long time. I'm sure she was out there in the crowd during the ceremony, just not necessarily with the rest of the family.

"Wow Derek, you graduated. I knew you had in you", said my mom as she gave me a hug.

"Thanks Mom", I answered.

"So you and Casey are a couple. Good for you Derek, she'll definitely bring out the best in you", said Mom.

"Agreed", I said.

"Hey Abby, long-time no see!" said Casey as bubbly as ever. "Derek, does your Mom know about next fall?"

"Not yet, I wanted to surprise her today", I answered Casey. "Mom, Casey and I are heading of to the University of Toronto, so we'll only be within a half hour of where you live."

"Really?" asked my Mom who was getting very exciting.

"Yeah, we can have lunch once a week or something. I miss the fun times we had when I was younger", I said.

"I'd love that. Are you sure I won't embarrass you though?" she asked.

"It's okay. I'll survive", I said.

I looked over to Casey and I saw tears in her eyes. I started to back away, but then overrode my defense system and stopped and just smiled at her. My mom then went off to find the rest of the family while I went over to Casey.

"Derek, you're not running? I'm tearing up from this beautiful mother-son moment and yet you're still here. Why?" she asked.

"I know I never did tears, with the lone exception of the day Sally and I broke up for good, but something has definitely changed", I said.

"Yeah, like what?" she asked.

"I love you", I said.

"I love you too Derek", she said as she leaned in to kiss me. Our lips met again and this time we kissed with more passion than ever before.

At that moment, I felt that emotional defense system that has controlled me since the divorce, finally shatter. I was no longer afraid of tears, and sharing feelings. This is because I did the ultimate in sharing feelings and I didn't run from her tears. I realized that day that those things that I once did everything to avoid aren't as bad as they once seen. After all, not all tears are bad and they sometimes offer a chance to grow closer to someone. For so long, I'd look at the divorce as the worst thing ever in my life and something that would plague me forever. However, I now realize that was really a blessing in disguise. After all, if it had never happened, my mom wouldn't have had the opportunities she received after she left (like her P.H.D.) and Dad would have never met Nora. If Nora had never entered my life, there would be no Casey next to me right now. Also, Nora, although she didn't replace my mom, did a great job in providing an everyday motherly figure in my life.

Today, I am a successful independent film director (I hate the restrictions of Hollywood). My wife, Casey, is a part-time English professor and best selling author. We have 2 kids right now: Rebecca and Erik. They are mini-replicas of us; the only difference is that Erik is the studious one and Rebecca is the laid-back slacker. Edwin and Lizzie both married and living somewhere in Montréal. Marti is still in school and looking to be a kindergarten teacher. Dad and Nora are still going strong and my mom is now teaching Marine Biology at the local university. She visits us every Friday night. She enjoys playing with the kids; it's her way of blowing off steam from the week. And as for that emotional wall that I dealt with for so long; it never came back. I intend to keep it that way for good and I'll do everything I can to be sure that my kids don't develop their own. After all, they might not be as lucky as I was in overcoming it.

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Phew, I hope that was good and you all enjoyed it. Please review! :)


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